Editor’s work

People post their prose, asking for criticism / rewrite. I leave my interpretation. Not sure if mine is any good, I’m sure you could do better. Please comment.

First:

1)A long sigh leaves me. The sound of my breath is the infuriated passion that was my affliction before being brushed away, leaving behind only a bitter depression, a self-pitying cry towards the depraved paradox of my condition.

2) A long sigh leaves me. The infuriated passion that was my affliction before has been brushed away with it, leaving behind only a bitter depression, a self-pitying cry towards the paradox of my existence.

--mine---
I breathed out a long sigh. As rushed passions evaporated from my burdened body, I could only recollect the affliction that left me alone in this bitter anxiety. My mind could do no more than cry at the confounding existance of myself.

Second:

1)"A moment of fear stung him as he saw the flash of emergency lights in the dark glinting on the pane of the window."

---mine---
The arrival of the strobing magenta and rose lights illuminated the window, foretelling of the yowling siren to come. Quickly realizing the situation, a haunting fear stung him still.